Swimsuits NOT to Wear!

When it comes to shopping ... okay ... the THOUGHT of shopping for swimsuits, most women no matter their size, cringe a little. Everyone at some point has picked up the summer issue of Glamour or Cosmo and read the "What Swimsuit Best Fits Your Figure" article. We've gone to department stores and specialty shops and tried on numerous suits and probably had to have a drink when we were done. We know, we KNOW! Now tell me...who are these fucking women????

Finding a swimsuit is difficult, but finding a cover-up is usually the easiest part because its like buying a summer dress! Going to the beach is NOT going to a strip club just because one wears minimal to both! What is even the purpose of this? What does it cover? She would look ten times better if she were just strolling around in the bikini alone, at least she wouldn't look like a complete whore! Oh wait, I just saw the tattoos, yes she would, but anyway...

Oh Christ! Burning Man on the effing beach! First of all WHAT???!!! Second, imagine the tan lines, really! And then the fanny pack. Is she wearing heels? I can't even say anymore, all I have are questions! This had to have been taken on the East Coast, no one (I hope) would ever even think of doing this in California!

Dude, I hate this! This is NOT cute!!! Just because you saw one episode of Three's Company on TV Land and thought all that Venice in the 70's was cute...IT'S NOT! I could handle the shorts and top, but all this rainbow and roller skates is just ridiculous! Rainbow belts and socks belong in the clearance bin at Hot Topic.

Okay, not bad, but whats the purpose of wearing shorts if you're just going to have them half way on? Do they not fit properly, because that's how it looks! Ladies don't ever do this if you are self conscious about your lower belly, it only makes it look big(ger).

These women have REAL asses, and that's great, but dress them properly please!!! I don't care how rock hard your body is you should NEVER wear a bikini bottom like the one on the left. Even if you're in Rio...it's just not stylish or fashionable. The girl on the right, looks like she was trying to pull her bottoms up to avoid tan lines, but she's walking around, so we know that's not what she was doing!!! Cellulite is normal and nothing to be mortified about, but wear the suit properly!!!! I can't help but want to pull it out of her ass, it looks soooo uncomfortable! Next...

Hard body and NOT a hard body, both are big NO'S! Yes you have great abs and huge fake ones, that doesn't mean that style has to go out the window. I see these swimsuits and wonder why designers never think (or care) about tan lines. Its so annoying to have to untie and tie back up. Lady on the right scares me because she looks like she could be young, but she has the body of a 60 year old, and again with the tan lines! Am I the only one that thinks when I buy a suit?

I don't know if the girl on the left is at the beach, but I do know this photo was taken during the day and since when is it okay to wear glittery sequins out during the day? IT ISN'T! Especially like this! Or sequins as a wrap...please don't do this! It may seem like a great idea, it makes you seem super cute at the beach or the pool. Save it for a night out at a club! I'm telling you, not fashionable as day wear.

Everyone has seen women like Pam Anderson running on the beach with their huge fake cans and a tiny bikini. Fake boobs sit up, they don't need a bra or bikini top to keep them up, REAL boobs on the other hand do! So all of you girls out there (like myself) that have large real boobs, buy bikini tops that actually fit YOUR boobs! I'm going to tell you, for years I wanted a triangle top bikini. Every year I would try them on hoping something miraculous had happened during winter and my boobs would look good in them this time. Nope, never happened! We need under wire! Think of it as a bra you can wear out. Buy a bikini top that resembles your bra! Alllllll this crap is NOT cute! I've seen it in the stores this year, it's not cute!!! We talked about tan lines, but having chains and jewels and shells and shit hanging off your suit is just ugly! If you can wear a suit like this and look fine, you can wear a two piece and look even better. There is no in between.

MEN...this is NEVER okay unless you are David Beckham. Period!

You have seen these women before. They used to be all over South Beach and now their tanned asses are making their way across and invading the West Coast. Let me tell you one thing...unless you are doing a Maxim photo shoot, you should NEVER wear heels with a swimsuit. And even then it looks tacky as shit! A trucker hat and Lucite stripper heels...some people have NO shame! NONE!

Now that I've given you the don'ts, go out and grab 20 suits and try them all on. Pick the best of the worst, go have a couple drinks and return the damned thing tomorrow. BYE!